peddidle

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

bad week

Don't you ever want to just break stuff?

Today is all about self-destruction and I don't know why. This is me we're talking about, so truth be told my idea of self-destruction is probably alot more subtle than it sounds. Even so, I can see the signs, and now I'm just looking for excuses.

Today I:
- Had a can of Coke for breakfast
- Had a packet of Burger Rings for morning tea
- Let my boss tell me I had to work on Monday afterall
- Had hot chips for lunch
- Had a 2nd can of Coke for afternoon tea
- Wasted too much of my hard-earned money in a stupid poker machine
- Had a can of Pepsi at the club
- Had tacos for dinner

Now, it's pretty clear that by self-destruction I don't mean I was mainlining heroin or passing out in a gutter - but I know me, and I know this is potentially the start of something bad. The fact that I was very upset about being robbed of my long weekend the day it was due to start - because of the biggest slackarse at work - gave me permission to eat junk food. The fact I'd eaten junk food gave me permission to play poker machines at the club even though I don't have any spare money to do so. The fact that I lost so much money I couldn't afford to lose gave me permission to have KFC for dinner. Thankfully I was able to stop that last one in a fit of self-loathing (I maintain the tacos were not as bad as fried chicken would have been) - so maybe there is hope for me. It's all a spiral - I look for excuses to justify something I know I shouldn't be doing, and then I hate myself for having done it. That then leads to me being a truly awful person to be around, I am constantly angry, guilty and nasty to try to bring everyone else down to my level. I don't want to be that person anymore, and the whole time I've been on this diet I have felt in control and haven't morphed into that xxx psycho. Until today.

I'm just so sick of fighting everything - I feel like I'm always at war with myself, which really sucks because no matter what, I lose. Half of me is always trying to do something I will regret and the other half is trying to suppress that, and feeling pre-emptive guilt. Why do I keep trying to be unhappy? Why can't I just want to be good?