tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-193434152011-04-21T13:40:06.148-07:00john10902http://www.blogger.com/profile/06431409573378644906noreply@blogger.comBlogger11100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19343415.post-1136527286705081982006-09-05T21:56:00.000-07:002006-01-05T22:01:26.720-08:00Don't you ever want to just break stuff?<br /><br />Today is all about self-destruction and I don't know why. This is me we're talking about, so truth be told my idea of self-destruction is probably alot more subtle than it sounds. Even so, I can see the signs, and now I'm just looking for excuses.<br /><br />Today I:<br />- Had a can of Coke for breakfast<br />- Had a packet of Burger Rings for morning tea<br />- Let my boss tell me I had to work on Monday afterall<br />- Had hot chips for lunch<br />- Had a 2nd can of Coke for afternoon tea<br />- Wasted too much of my hard-earned money in a stupid poker machine<br />- Had a can of Pepsi at the club<br />- Had tacos for dinner<br /><br />Now, it's pretty clear that by self-destruction I don't mean I was mainlining heroin or passing out in a gutter - but I know me, and I know this is potentially the start of something bad. The fact that I was very upset about being robbed of my long weekend the day it was due to start - because of the biggest slackarse at work - gave me permission to eat junk food. The fact I'd eaten junk food gave me permission to play poker machines at the club even though I don't have any spare money to do so. The fact that I lost so much money I couldn't afford to lose gave me permission to have KFC for dinner. Thankfully I was able to stop that last one in a fit of self-loathing (I maintain the tacos were not as bad as fried chicken would have been) - so maybe there is hope for me. It's all a spiral - I look for excuses to justify something I know I shouldn't be doing, and then I hate myself for having done it. That then leads to me being a truly awful person to be around, I am constantly angry, guilty and nasty to try to bring everyone else down to my level. I don't want to be that person anymore, and the whole time I've been on this diet I have felt in control and haven't morphed into that <a href="http://www.xxxproposal.com/?wm_login=jdoughs">xxx</a> psycho. Until today.<br /><br />I'm just so sick of fighting everything - I feel like I'm always at war with myself, which really sucks because no matter what, I lose. Half of me is always trying to do something I will regret and the other half is trying to suppress that, and feeling pre-emptive guilt. Why do I keep trying to be unhappy? Why can't I just want to be good?<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/19343415-113652728670508198?l=peddidle.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>john10902http://www.blogger.com/profile/06431409573378644906noreply@blogger.com